Jagged Hearts
by Silverleaf15
Summary: I noticed there aren't any fanfiction for Throne of Glass by Sarah J Maas, so I decided to create one. It's a short scene after Chaol finds out about Sam. And if you haven't read the book, you should...


Celaena's lips quivered and she hated it. Hated her eyes for going damp, eyelashes clumping together as she stared blindly past Chaol at the dancing, flickering hearth. Especially when she saw his face soften into a mix of sympathy and pity. She jerked her face away. She didn't want to see it. Chaol uncomfortably shifted his feet, uneasy.

"Celae-," he began.

Celaena threw out a hand, unable, unwilling to listen to his words. Always pity, always charity, _always_ condolence. Never understanding. No one will ever understand her. She was too wild, too unpredictable. Like a savage beast straining to break open its beautiful, ornate cage but never succeeding.

She trembled, heat and anger flashing through her veins. The fire burned her mercilessly, twisting, molding, shaping. Celaena shuddered violently her hands clenched into tight fists around the hilt of her throwing knife. Her knuckles reddened, then whitened from the force of her harsh grip. She hated her body for betraying her like this.

Her eyes stung, her breath a shallow hissing thing. Stilled. Calmed.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Celaena knew what she looked like to Chaol. A seething mess self-loathing and rage. Darkness pulsed through every part of her. Invading her pores and oozing out like slime. She was a _monster_. Her vision went red for a moment before crystallizing into diamond clarity. The table she leaned against was shaking.

_No, It's me, I am still shaking like the stupid idiot I am._

She moved away from the table. Celaena wanted to go to the armchair, to sit down but she couldn't move. Couldn't do anything but stand there hopeless, incompetent and vulnerable.

"He's not the only one out there Celaena. There's always another." Chaol said in a hushed voice.

Celaena laughed bitterly. She wanted to lash out, strike him down as she would have with a knife. But, she didn't. Instead she pummeled him with her words.

"No? Are you volunteering then? You want me to replace him like a toy? A plaything?" She chuckled without humor. "Like a broken, old, used sword that is no use anymore?"

Chaol's expression closed. Saw him barricade himself in a mental palisade. Celaena felt nothing. No guilt, no remorse, nothing. She had closed off these feelings for too long. Celaena watched starving beggars and vagrants, desperate courtesans and assassins go through all phases of life. A brutal, sickly sad existence. Never worth anything. Never care for. Kicked around in society within an inch of their lives. She was one of them.

Numb she finally walked over to the divan and sat with a slump. Chaol's gaze followed her.

Celaena looked down at her small hands. Hands that have cut, slashed, strangled. Hands that have ended life after life after life, sustained injury after injury. She used the tip of her index finger to trace a particularly nasty, jagged scar on her left hand that stretched from her wrist to the edge of her pinky. The assassin bit her lip and clasped her tightening fists in her lap.

Her words were quiet, defeated.

"Do you know what love is?" she choked out huskily. Chaol opened his mouth but Celaena cut him off before he could answer.

"Love is your devotion to your deities, your friends and your family. Love is the light, fluttering feeling you have when you first realize you have found your other half," Celaena unclasped her hands and laid a hand on top of her heart.

"and the utter devastation when you know they are well and truly gone. Love is free to give or take but always comes with a price. The absolute agony of losing them."

Celaena blinked back her tears. Her voice caught as she tried to swallow past the solid lump in her throat.

"In essence one possesses three hearts. One that is taken up for your beliefs, one that speaks of adoration for familial bonds and one for the people in your life." Chaol shook his head and opened his mouth again as if to speak. Celaena plunged forward ignoring him.

"My godly heart is gone, my familial heart was cruelly shattered and ground to bits beneath Adarlan's boot 10 years ago," her voice cracked and Celaena looked down gathering her courage. She blinked and tears traced a slow descent of salt down her cheeks.

"and my friend based heart is more than half gone. Betrayals, wickedness and deaths have led to this."

Celaena sobbed once, quietly and looked up meeting Chaol's tender gaze.

"Even now, I can feel the half heart I have left splintering. And when that little bit of heart fades as well, I will fade away with it day by day until there is nothing left. Nothing but an empty shell of a girl that has already disappeared into the void."


End file.
